....changes inside...

mystery after mystery, infection after infection
unknown causes, uncertain diagnosis
no validation, I know they've done this before
I know they've made mistakes, I just have to let it go
I know I've got to deal with it, I just have to self-diagnose

Infection for month after month...
What is it? just a weak immune system?
Why is the swelling growing on the right side of my face?
Why does it feel unfamiliar on my finger tips?
And oh, how did this new swelling appear by my neck?
This all feels new...

Follow ups, check ups, demands, questions,
I am just begging for answers
For one consistent answer
All of you are the experts, MDs, Specialists.. u name it
Tell me something that sounds the same
Tell me you are reading my report
Tell me you see me, a human being just like you
I feel too, I am not wasting your time... my time is being wasted too
I am concerned, I don't like being here... but this is a place where we come
A place where you help us clear our heads, and give us some comfort
Show me, I beg you
Show me that you do your job with some humanity, responsibility and passion
Your responsibility is to diagnose, treat and cure... at least do one thing right...just one!

always 29 years ... cherished forever

Exactly 2 years ago today, we didn't know we were about to lose an important person in our lives; Khaldun (Allah yirhamo) was taking his last breaths on earth. He came and left so quickly. He changed my life forever.

It feels like ages since he's been gone, but also, it feels just like yesterday. I asked why so many times, I tried to hide, I tried to wake up, I tried to find him but I was only left with immortal memories that seep through my grief. There's not a day that he's not missed or loved so much. I hear his name recited at least 100 times a day when mom prays. He is with us all the time, 500 times a day.

I never made it on time to say goodbye. I guess I would never have been the same, I couldn't have let him go; see my own flesh and blood going inside the stomach of this earth.

Khaldun was not meant to be here on earth, to be alive for long; he was an angel in passing to touch people's hearts. I know as the pain fills our hearts, he is watching above smiling down at us that everything will be okay.

Khaldun my sweetheart, you are free to run with the angels....and I can't wait to find you again. If we had choices of living and dying - mom and I would be tempted to join you. I hope you are resting well my angel, my cherished little brother.

thought of the day "gossip"

...wish people would gossip about people's virtues, wish people would try to gossip the good stuff they witness, wish people wouldn't repeat gossip that are merely words from unreliable sources, wish people would connect with others at a deeper level than broadcasting the miseries of others, wish people could bond through love rather than meaningless stories....

random thought of the night....

the older a woman becomes, the longer she works, the more independent she becomes.... the pickier she is.... that's the curse of being on your own two feet - but I don't mind this curse - at least we don't give in unless we feel totally loved and respected.... the women of our past generations will be very very proud of us - not letting history repeat!

Deep Impact: Outliers

To me, Baby Sheri is like my late brother (Allah Yirhamu). Very important people, here to teach us lessons we thought wouldn't happen to us, at all or not this soon. Baby Sheri and Almarhoom are outliers in our lives. They lie outside the realm of our regular expectations. Nothing in the past had a convincing point about their possibility (her birth, or his death). Secondly, they carry extreme impacts. It's simple, nil prediction, and incredible impact. They have given us sight. We were blind, we were SO blind, so vain, so self-absorbed, and living in the dark. We were blind with respect to random events that occurred in our lives, and may continue to occur again at any point in time. To me, life only has a meaning when it is a cumulative effect of a few significant shocks followed by after shocks to remind us it was not just a random illusion.

This goes back to that saying "what you don't know won't hurt you" but that is absolutely bullocks. It's the opposite, what you know will not hurt you. I don't think I need to explain what this means since the context is clear. My point is; we always feel that we can predict everything, we know what will happen tomorrow, we are extremely unaware of all of the errors we make (simple things like taking a flight that we might miss, or that might crash, and even though it doesn't happen every day, you could be the one, and it could have a significant impact on our lives). I didn't know until recently that mom's first cousin lost his wife and daughters all at once in a plane crash. I mean, who would think that you could lose your whole family in ONE instance.

Life only began to have a new meaning after I lost my brother, and the birth of baby Sheri added another layer of meaning to it, but more importantly a lesson, that there is a huge gap between what we know and what we think we know. We make severe mistakes taking life for granted, taking what we have (health, respect, beauty, wealth, stability, safety etc) all for granted. We fail to see we can lose it all, as well. I can fall sick tomorrow, I can die in a car crash, our city can drown by a heavy rainfall, I can lose all my money to get treated for cancer, I can lose my mental stability, and for all you know, this country can even be bombarded by an unknown enemy. Who knows? why are we so arrogant to think we know it all?. Same thing when we judge people, we can't assume we know people really well when we only see them in the ordinary course of life - have we seen them when they are really mad, or depressed, or shocked. Does that not not make you who you are, as well? isn't that just as significant to describe who you are, too.

Life is not the normality we experience, the routine errands and events, the repeated lunches at teta and so on. If anything, the only significant lunch at teta is when all of us in the family found her on the floor choking, and then, I thought I was witnessing her take her last dying breaths, I saw her face turn red, helpless on the floor, as she slowly raised her hands trying to recite Quraan. That is the day I realized how much I loved my grandmother. I FELT my heart tear apart. That is an incident that changed my view of Teta - I can't explain it in words - but instead of trying to breathe, she was trying to recite Quraan while everyone around her was screaming, and losing their mind in fear that she will no longer be with us.

How often do we engage in heart to heart talk? we all exchange easy small talks; that's why they say talk is cheap. It's business, vanity, cars, clothes etc. It's cheap. Finally, to make my point clear, Baby S and my brother are not exceptions, and something to sweep under the carpet. They are significant, and a starting point in our lives. We should thank them. God Bless them, always.

quote for the Day

..only thru experiencing God, we genuinely serve others...and only thru tragedies, we learn this...

gossip

...the lust for gossip is a personal confession on the grave need for being spiteful.... you say nothing true, and everything false goes on wheels ...round and round it goes.... the whisking never ends. For the wise, we sit back and pity.