Angel-A

Thoughts are evolved as you read more into the story or the theme of this movie but I'll try to be general here and just say, that generally, when we are being destructive, we are only being destructive to ourselves, and its because we lack self love. Instead, we find ourselves running away, trying to escape from our very self. We see everything around us BUT ourselves. We are blind, and we can't find our essence because we are not connected within (again, busy escaping ourselves).

We wait for someone to describe us, to remind us who we are, to give us worth, a layer of comfort, you name it. So, as this guy was looking into himself, he appreciated himself because the Angel by his shoulder was breaking his shell, giving him courage to look into his own eyes, and find his truth. Our truth, as human beings, we are all very beautiful, but we mask our truth with lies, with fake stories, sometimes with dirty masks to cover our vulnerabilities, to push people away, so that they can't hurt us. It's all too complex to put in words, our essences are unlimited.

The breather of the day

Time is plugged with both work and distractions. The day ends with mom and I chatting for an hour or so. That's "my" life now, work work work, and a "moment" with mom (when she's not traveling overseas for work) which she does or will be doing quite often. I don't know if it's good for her at this age, but then, what do we know about what's good for us and what's not. I guess it happens for a reason; for me to learn something from it. I have so much time to comfortably step out of my soul, and dive inside hers. To watch my mother live her nights a certain way, to feel what she must feel, and see what she sees. At such an age, losing the man she loved to a woman he doesn't love, losing a son, the youngest who was at the peak of his life, and a daughter who appears to be misguided or detached from family for years; also known as the delusional escapist. Ignorance is a bliss, but I've never been ignorant to my surroundings. It's just sometimes, you get tired of running, escaping, you suddenly take a breather, a break, a moment for yourself, and how astounding it can be, to pay attention to the voices in your head.

I wonder how she feels and what goes through her mind when she's alone. She's in one of her last phases of life, at 60+, and how it sums up is what breaks my heart. She goes to a bed solo, nobody to share it with. A morning that she has no one to wake up next to. A day that's just filled with work, and a daughter who doesn't seem to be seeking much from life (or at least the things she would be hoping I seek for, like marriage or kids or both). I just feel Life is so damn short, much shorter than I thought to think about all these things. One must just hold up as much as they can for as long as they can. Eventually, we will meet elsewhere, a better place, I hope. It was hell for my mother, it was hell for my baby brother, and I hope this is my hell too.

I don't know what's going on with me. My mind is always on a race of it's own. It's like liquid. It takes every form, passes through any and every void. It fill spaces, and looks for spaces. It freezes, it evaporates. It's like a slow chemical reaction, all internalized. Unknown diagnosis. It's everywhere, sometimes it scares me at how fast it travels, and how it makes it to every dark corner that I'm trying to run away from. My mind simply doesn't fail me in that department, to take me everywhere, to places I sometimes want a break from. Back to my insomniac days, with increased exhaustion and mental blocks during the day. God is great though, somehow, I "just" make it through the days or the hours when I interact with others, and thankfully, these mental/emotional scars are invisible to the people around me, and almost to myself too when I'm surrounded with distractions. But still, with these distractions, I feel my life is troubled with dry topics and subjects that do not interest me at any level; not even for a brainless moment. I'm constantly missing to be by myself. Is that bad? the crave to be alone? to be alone for as long as possible, without a time limit? without a guilt-trip? without a reminder that I need company when I don't want it? I mean, people around us tell us we're not alone, but come on, we really are alone, just the way we came landed here on earth all alone. We are not attached - we don't choose our times. We don't have many choices. We can only embrace what we have, miss what we had, and somehow look forward for better times.

The Feminine Nature of Surrender

Stuart Wilde - February 04 , 2007

It is easy to become indignant at the evil of the world and the way the planet and its animals are mistreated. It is all very sad. Yet your soul can become wet wading through rivers of injustice that you are powerless to fix. Sometimes the weight of helplessness and futility hangs over us like a shroud. We lose touch with beauty as we become blinded by a silent rage that taunts us from the gates of hell to become as evil as the injustice we rile against. One can soon lose sight of self and which way to go.

In the end, I reconciled it in my heart by realizing two important things: powerlessness is a part of people’s karma in this life; we have to be gracious and accept it. And, while injustice is a terrible thing, we can see an improvement in the world over recent decades as humanity becomes more and more conscious and aware of itself. Also in being aware of injustice and watching it we learn what it is that we don’t what to become.

Beauty lies in surrender. It's a feminine humility that calls to wounded souls from beyond the mists of Avalon. Late at night I'd called to the ladies of the mist saying, “Help me, my heart, she cry.” And sometimes the Spirit of Surrender would whisper to me in visions and dreams and she would tell me to quit and sit and wait. So to while away the time I’d breathe love into the hearts of liars and crooks and pedophiles and the embezzlers of human souls, and I felt better and I waited as instructed.

Most of the evil is yang and all of our glorious histories of which we are so proud, are but gruesome accounts of pillage, mass murder and conquest. Humanity is but a child sick with a terrible bout of yang that has lasted several thousand years. It’s an evolutionary phase like the antics of a rebellious teenager. There is no point in fighting it for in the emotion of your antagonism you abandon the very softness that offers you reconciliation and redemption.

We are all changing and growing and in the collective nightmare of our humanity a golden light trickles through in the dead of night liberating people as fast as they will embrace a new ideal. We have to be grateful for small mercies, there are many people on the spiritual path that are trying to escape and they are bringing others with them. Understanding that, we should be patient and surrender, for there is gentleness in that, and anyway, in a long enough time-frame the yang will burn itself out and the feminine will triumph. As a part of that softness it is best not to get too hung up with people’s deficiencies but rather look to their heroic redeeming qualities, while of course fixing yourself, all the while.

The softness that calls to us from beyond the mist is a very great power that we know little about, but it has shown that it will sustain you once you start to break free, and it graciously holds you up when you begin to doubt or when you feel a bit wobbly. You are not alone. The trick is to not confront the system while you are trying to leave it. I was a bit too brash in this life I should have kept my mouth shut. There is a stupidity in confronting the system, for that which you confront holds you invisibly by the wrist not allowing you to get away.

But I learned my lessons and eventually I retreated. And once I put down the cudgel of my indignation and I embraced the feminine spirit, the humility of her world gradually built a bridge for me and I saw the way out. Respite is there for every weary soul blessed as they all should be. Surrender. It took me a while but I got the message eventually for that I am eternally grateful.