Lost in Absence
It reached a point where I was actually seeing my brother laying next to me, walking around me, knocking on my windows, opening my doors, moving my things around. I know, you'd think I'm crazy and maybe I was delusional but it was my reality, and at one point, I was so freaked out. I started crying because I felt like I was hurting my brother by being afraid when I should welcome his presence but I was too vulnerable I suppose.
One night, I was praying non-stop like a lunatic and asking him to forgive me; begging for his forgiveness but I cannot handle seeing him now. Maybe I would be ok and it would be easier if he talks to me and I can hug him but clearly that's not the case. I'd just find him laying next to me, with his eyes closed; the same old peaceful face he had when I'd walk into his room to wake him up.
I weeped one night that I couldn't handle it and his presence completely vanished for a few weeks. I didn't stop though what I was doing. I would and still do talk to him every morning and every night, I kiss his picture every morning and every night. His picture, that smile, it's always there. I started dreaming of him when I was talking to his picture one night that I miss him so much and wish I could see him in my dreams again and that's when he started visiting me again in different ways. He came back so strongly, so immediately. A couple of times, he was merely a 10 year old but I still maintained my current age. He knows how he's always been my weakness and at that age, he was honestly the most gorgeous boy alive.
Gosh, I miss him so much. Every time I say it to myself, tears run down my face, my eyes become sore, my mouth goes dry, my nose turns red, and then my stomach turns at the thought of coming back home and really hitting another level of reality that he really isn't there anymore. I just feel so incomplete without him. I loved him so much, but really, I look back, and wonder if I loved anyone as much as I loved him. There was only a two year gap, and as a matter of fact, many times, I felt he was a lot more mature than me, but also, a much better humanbeing than me. It's not even comparable. That would be insulting. He taught me a lot about not judging people, to heighten my levels of forgiveness, and so on.
I feel like I got cut in half with his departure. It doesnt matter how much I talk and talk and talk. I'm so lonely and really, this loneliness will never go away because he's not coming back. I see his name and number on my phone, his email in my contact list, and it's so difficult to delete them or to believe that I can never write to him again, that I'll never hear from him again. Every email or text message from him would totally excite me with sheer joy. He really was a man of substance. Every word he gave up, he gave it up with love.
One night, I was praying non-stop like a lunatic and asking him to forgive me; begging for his forgiveness but I cannot handle seeing him now. Maybe I would be ok and it would be easier if he talks to me and I can hug him but clearly that's not the case. I'd just find him laying next to me, with his eyes closed; the same old peaceful face he had when I'd walk into his room to wake him up.
I weeped one night that I couldn't handle it and his presence completely vanished for a few weeks. I didn't stop though what I was doing. I would and still do talk to him every morning and every night, I kiss his picture every morning and every night. His picture, that smile, it's always there. I started dreaming of him when I was talking to his picture one night that I miss him so much and wish I could see him in my dreams again and that's when he started visiting me again in different ways. He came back so strongly, so immediately. A couple of times, he was merely a 10 year old but I still maintained my current age. He knows how he's always been my weakness and at that age, he was honestly the most gorgeous boy alive.
Gosh, I miss him so much. Every time I say it to myself, tears run down my face, my eyes become sore, my mouth goes dry, my nose turns red, and then my stomach turns at the thought of coming back home and really hitting another level of reality that he really isn't there anymore. I just feel so incomplete without him. I loved him so much, but really, I look back, and wonder if I loved anyone as much as I loved him. There was only a two year gap, and as a matter of fact, many times, I felt he was a lot more mature than me, but also, a much better humanbeing than me. It's not even comparable. That would be insulting. He taught me a lot about not judging people, to heighten my levels of forgiveness, and so on.
I feel like I got cut in half with his departure. It doesnt matter how much I talk and talk and talk. I'm so lonely and really, this loneliness will never go away because he's not coming back. I see his name and number on my phone, his email in my contact list, and it's so difficult to delete them or to believe that I can never write to him again, that I'll never hear from him again. Every email or text message from him would totally excite me with sheer joy. He really was a man of substance. Every word he gave up, he gave it up with love.
posted by Color at 10:30 AM
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